Purple Rage

And yours is in Row 8,728

Purple Parking is not Quality Parking. The difference there is that Quality Parking is defined by the adjective ‘quality’, and Purple Parking could only come up with a colour because any other descriptor would have put them in jail under the trade descriptions act. Unless that descriptor was ‘shit’. I should have just got the bus to Heathrow. It goes faster than my own car and I could have had a Bloody Mary on the plane. But Quality Parking worked pretty well last time, it was not too far out of my way or from Heathrow; it was slick – they’d got my car out ready for me when I came home; the bus set off as soon as I arrived. No panic. Seamless. A pleasant customer experience.

Purple Parking is miles out down some residential backstreet, under a railway bridge, turn right by the gas tower and avoid the potholes and keep going until you lose all hope in the back of industrial wastelands. Three buses were there ready. Ready. Ready to go. They didnt seem to understand the urgency of plane travel and bus-stops. After 15 minutes, two smokes (mine not theirs) and no further customers we ambled off for a twenty minute cruise back to Heathrow. I obviously didn’t miss my flight – but these eventualities are why I leave three hours leeway.

Coming back I think we detoured via three employees’ homes to drop them off and then we were pushed out in the middle of an enormous carpark and made to queue up for our keys and row numbers. Like dogs waiting for a ball to be thrown.

‘Where is row 27?’

‘Row 27 – very close. Back there and round corner’.

So not very close. In fact, row 27 was a good 7 mins slog away all the way back through the rows we’d just driven by to be arbitrarily dropped at row 14. I’m not old and disabled but if I were, I’d be mightily pissed off. Truth be known i was mightily pissed off. I think he sensed that. I think me banging my car door hard (twice – as the first time my belt got caught..) and revving up Radio 2 proved that point. That showed them.

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